Hand Of A God I Don't Believe In

Few things excite me more in sports than the World Cup. Few things irritate me more than France. Not necessarily the nation of France, but their soccer team. Maybe it was the meteoric rise from France not qualifying in 1990 and 1994, then winning it all in 1998 on French soil in the biggest French circle jerk since Louis XVI was given his ticket to Guillotineville. This was followed by a historically embarrassing 2002 where France did not score a single goal in three fucking games. I did softly root for France in 2006 amid the Italian soccer scandal where its top players were permitted to compete. It just struck me in poor taste that a nation has it top clubs involved in a match fixing scandal and that country was then allowed to play in the World Cup, something that should be the highest honor and privilege for an soccer team. To think Italy would pull itself out is an absurd thought, no nation would. I just felt there should be some worldly repercussions. Naturally, thanks to a Zidane head butt, Italy prevailed, making me dislike those French fucks even more.

So France and I get along as well as Ann Coulter would at a 9/11 widows convention.

You can imagine how happy I was when I saw this:

France Makes World Cup Despite Henry Controversy

SAINT-DENIS, France (AP) -- France qualified for its fourth consecutive World Cup when officials missed an obvious hand ball by Thierry Henry that led to William Gallas' overtime goal in a 1-1 tie against Ireland on Wednesday night.

Every official at that game should be forced to swim from the Strait of Gibraltar to Costa Rica as punishment.

With help from Swedish referee Martin Hansson, who failed to call the hand ball, France avoided a penalty-kicks shootout and won the home-and-home, total-goals playoff 2-1. The French had come away with a 1-0 victory in Dublin last Saturday.

Assuming he's not lying, Hansson says he missed the call. Instant replay sometimes gets a bad rep (see SEC football, 2009) and many of the arguments about slowing the game down I think are exaggerated, although those arguments are stronger in soccer where constant stoppages would disrupt match continuity. It may add a few minutes max, but we have the technology to get call correct which should be the main objective, particularly in a game altering call. Maybe we have in some sports selective replay (whether 1-2 coaches challenges, officials from upstairs) but to allow a blatant hand ball like above go uncorrected is ridiculous. In all fairness, I can't blame Hansson because he is human and may have not seen the handball. It happens. But we have the capabilities to fix those calls.

The game appeared headed to penalty kicks when Florent Malouda sent a free kick to Henry at the post to the right of goalkeeper Shay Given in the 103rd minute. Henry got between defender Paul McShane and Given, stopped the ball with his left hand, then used his hand again and poked the ball with his outstretched right foot in front of the net.

Henry is a dirty dirty cheat. Ireland did have some chances (Lloris made two tremendous saves) but to have a game basically end on a handball was ludicrous.

"He almost caught it and walked into the net with it," said Robbie Keane, who had put the Irish ahead in the 33rd minute.

Robbie I don't think I can be anywhere as pissed as you, seeing as you just lost a chance to play in the World Cup, but this is a stretch. If Henry pulled a rugbyesqe moved, caught the ball and walked into the net, I'm fairly certain the goal would have been disallowed.

Gallas headed the ball into the net from about 1 yard as Irish players raised their hands in protest at Hansson.

Ireland should invade France. I don't think starting a war over this is extreme in any way.

Soccer does not allow officials to use video replay, although the assistant referees can point out infractions to the referee.

Soccer should have some sort of video replay.

"I will be honest, it was a hand ball. But I'm not the ref," Henry said. "I played it. The ref allowed it. That's a question you should ask him."

Henry is a goober. I hope while shaving his genitalia he cuts his dick off with a Gillette razor.

Gallas hardly knew what happened.

"It went so fast. I saw Thierry's pass. The Irish were surprised, and I put my head, my chest," he said as his voice trailed off.

They were surprised because Herny thought he was playing beach volleyball for a moment.

Ireland coach Giovanni Trapattoni was livid and had to be calmed by officials. Irish fans - about 8,000 in one section behind the goal - chanted "Cheat! Cheat!" at Henry.

I love this. The official blow a call that could potentially send Ireland to the World Cup and their response is to try and calm the coach down. He has every right to blow a gasket.

"I'm not only disappointed tonight, I'm also very sad," Trapattoni said. "The referee should have asked Henry, I'm sure he would have admitted there was a hand ball."

Does this happen in sports? It seems like a sportsmanlike thing to do, but how often do refs approach players and ask them to admit something like a handball? I know Christy Mathewson did it back in 1905 but but I cannot recall too many examples of officials walking up to players and players confessing "I screwed up. Please disallow the goal/touchdown/homerun" etc. If he was so inclined he could have taken the initiative and confessed what occurred. He chose to shut his mouth and play in the World Cup.

Added Keane:

"When you see the reaction of Shay, he's two yards away from it. You don't get a reaction like that (otherwise).

Very true. He was pretty animated. However you can't base it off of a person's reaction. Talk about opening Pandora's Box and taking a shit inside. If the ref missed it, he missed it.

"He's an absolutely top player and has been for a long time, but it was a clear hand ball. He actually dragged it in from going out. I wouldn't expect it from anybody."

The dude did stop it with his hand. It wasn't a momentary thing. I don't know how one of the top players in the world does that.

At the final whistle, Given collapsed and lay on the ground in dejection for several minutes as France celebrated. Gallas jumped into coach Raymond Domenech's arms.

You can't even imagine how much I want France to lose.

"It was difficult, arduous and sometimes miraculous," Domenech said. "It was a victory by the skin of our teeth."

Oh fuck you man. It was a fucking hand ball. Nothing Miraculous about that. It was a victory by hand ball. Will somebody please kick Domenech in the balls for me?

Domenech felt it was a shame that Ireland didn't qualify, as well.

"I want to congratulate the Irish players for this battle," he said. "They gave us a very hard time."

And they lost because of a hand ball.

"We suffered for two years. We have been having some problems with our press, our fans, with other people," Henry said. "It would have been better to do it in another way, but as I said, I'm not the ref."

Ireland has missed the last two World Cups. I bet they are suffering too. Also, in case you weren't' aware, they lost because of a hand ball by you. The reason you have had problems with the press and fans is because you haven't been playing up to the expectations they set. You're still going to be a dangerous team in the World Cup because quite frankly about a third of the teams are not as talented as you (like Nigeria and Japan and the Koreas and New Zealand and Switzerland and Algeria and Honduras) but I pray you get a draw with England, Brasil and Holland.