Things Not To Do In Church: Watch Porn

 One of these two is worth 17 billion dollars

Luke Jennett's editor bestowed upon him a doozy of a story. I'm guessing the conversation went something like this:

Editor: Luke! Got a hot lead for you
Luke: Fantastic!
Editor: It's an edgy story but you're the man for the job
Luke: I was just saying to myself "Luke, you need an edgier rep. Maybe some bank robberies or homicide reports. Show the people of Ames the grit and dark side of our fair city." I want to be the most read and respected journalist this city has ever seen. So what's this hot lead? Political corruption? A string of auto theft that needs sleuthing?
Editor: Close. Some guy was masturbating to porn in a church.
Luke: [head explodes]

An Ames man was arrested for second-degree burglary after allegedly entering the First Christian Church while it was closed and using electronic equipment at the church to watch pornography in the church’s basement.

Da...dad? Aww c'mon dad we went over this! You can't do that! So embarrassing to the family you holiday lush.

Charles E. Bentley, 55, of 828 Grand Ave., No. 2, is being held at the Story County Jail on a $10,000 bond following his arrest Friday.

Oh. Sorry dad. Family loves you.

Police say Bentley broke into the Clark Avenue church, which is across the street from the police station, gathered items from around the church and went to the basement, where he may have spent Thursday night.

That's probably the worst place for a B & E - across from a police station. You want to pick your crimes a little further away from the building with hundreds of cops that's 20 yards away.

Bentley was found in the church just before 7 a.m. Friday, when employees of the Ames Community Preschool showed up for work. Cmdr. Mike Brennan of the Ames Police Department said ACPC has used the church as its main center for many years.

[shudders] Man, I'm glad an adult found him first.

Authorities were summoned when staff members entered and found several items missing from the upper floors of the church. Brennan said they also heard noises coming from the basement.

Noises such as moaning, vulgar sexual language and bad actors reciting a weak story line.

When police arrived, they found Bentley hauling a garbage can containing food, kitchen utensils, clothes, electronic equipment and a 26-inch flat-screen television, all of which belonged to the church.

Dude must be strong.

Police believe Bentley used the electronic equipment to watch pornographic movies that were found on him when he was arrested, as well as using other items from the church to set up a camp in the basement.

I would like to know what porn he watched. Was it a standard Carmen Luvana film? Sasha Grey? Perhaps he is into midgets and shit. Point is that we are left without that information. Thanks a lot, Luke. You've failed to collect all the data.

“He kind of made himself at home,” Brennan said.

Church Survivalist - I smell a reality TV show.

More items, along with Bentley’s Social Security card and Iowa driver’s license were found in the basement.

Such as...

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oh. That's the end of the article? Ok.