Elvis Has Left The Building

Sorry I'm late to the party. My cell phone was turned off.

I've been meaning to write about figure skating for a while now. Former skater Elvis Stojko, obviously named after Elvis Presley since virtually every human being named Elvis had parents who liked "Hound Dog", penned a piece called the night they killed figure skating.

Oh Elvis, Elvis, Elvis. Figure staking isn't dead. It's merely on life support.

VANCOUVER, British Columbia – Sorry, Evan Lysacek.

You’re a great skater and all.

But that wasn’t Olympic champion material.

Look, I have some issues with figure skating. More specifically, I have issues with competitions where judges determine the winner. I never thought figure skating or gymnastics were true sports because winners aren't determined by the parties competing.

I should probably explain that.

A sport, to me, needs to have some measured quantity of duration (time/distance/innings/holes) where the persons involved earn various points through merit.

In figure skating/gymnastics this isn't the case. Athletes in these competitions comment that performing first puts you at a disadvantage - you cannot give a gymnast all 10s, for example, when other competitors are to follow and can have better performances. If the first gymnast gets a perfect score, and everyone following has a better performance, then everyone should theoretically score perfectly.

There is also the "all I have to do is not fuck up" factor. I remember watching the Turin Olympics in 2006 where Shizuka Arakawa (JAP) was behind Sasha Cohen (USA) and Irina Slutskaya (RUS) after the short program. Cohen and Slutskaya both fell during their long programs and Arakawa, to win gold, pretty much had to not fall. No small task given the two skaters ahead of her both fell, but as an observer there was nothing about her program I felt was memorable. She didn't have to be awe inspiring or great. Cohen and Slutskaya had to pull out every jump possible to win gold, not expecting the other to fall. Once Arakawa saw them crash, her routine should have been simplified. If performing a carefully crafted routine free of challenges and inhibiting greatness will result in a gold medal, there serves no purpose in taking risks.

This was fine for Arakawa but I have a hard time saying this is a sport when she did very little to earn a gold medal besides not falling on her face. She wasn't outstanding. She was simply good. The scoring is subjective, the order of competition does matter and your result isn't always in your hands and that should be the essence of sports.

But Arakawa did not fall. It isn't her fault Cohen and Slutskaya stumbled. The judges could not hand a gold medal over to Cohen or Slutskaya. If the judges believed Lysacek had a cleaner performance while Plushenko was "wobbly" - a word I heard numerous people use - then arguing over the result would be equivalent to bitching over whether rain is better than sunlight.

In Thursday night’s men’s free skate, Lysacek skated slow and his jumps weren’t close to the technical ability of defending Olympic champion Evgeni Plushenko.

I respect your opinion and clearly you know more about skating than I do. Still, this is only an opinion. This guy disagrees with you. This article doesn't seem to think Lysacek was an undeserving champion. It's fucking figure skating where the opinions of judges do matter. They felt Lysacek was better. Par for the course and all that nonsense. Arguing about opinions is referentially pointless.

How can you be Olympic champion when you don’t even try the quad? If you’re going to take the quad out, why not take out another triple axel and just have more of the other stuff so the International Skating Union can make it more into an “art” recital.

Is the quad a requirement? Clearly his performance was good enough where he didn't need the jump. He is the reigning world champion. He skated a routine to win gold. He won gold. It's fucking figure skating where the opinions of judges do matter. They felt Lysacek was better. Par for the course and all that nonsense. Arguing about opinions is referentially pointless.

Plushenko had a great performance. His footwork was great and maybe his spins weren’t quite as good as Lysacek’s, but it wasn’t that big of a difference.

It might have been the difference. Lysacek won gold.

But the judges’ scoring was ridiculous.

It's fucking figure skating where the opinions of judges do matter. They felt Lysacek was better. Par for the course and all that nonsense. Arguing about opinions is referentially pointless.

Because of it, the sport took a step backward. Brian Boitano did the same thing, technically, in 1988. There are junior skaters who can skate that same program.

Ouch.

I don't remember much about 1988 but I do know that Brian Orser (CAN) did slip during his triple-flip in the long program while Brian Boitano's (USA) program "was technically perfect with no mistakes". So there's that.

And the judges’ scoring probably killed figure skating because kids now are going to see this and say, “Oh, I don’t need a quad. I can just do great footwork for presentation marks and do a couple of nice spins and make it to Olympic champion.” With that type of scoring, you don’t have to risk it. You can play it safe and win gold.

I agree, and this goes back to my earlier point. I love the greatness in sports. I love seeing an athlete complete an improbable feat and then another athlete needing to top that to win. That isn't figure skating. Technically Lysacek did what he needed to win gold. The scoring wasn't his fault which you're somewhat implying.

Elvis does needs to take a step back with the whole "killed figure skating" comment. I'm sure if a scoring scandal didn't kill figure skating, this won't. Safe to say that competing knowing you have no chance to win is a worse crime than one really good skater being determined to be only slightly better than another really good skater.

Do you know what else didn't kill figure skating? What happened back in 1994. You should remember that since you were there.

In what other sports do you have to hold back in order to win?

This has been the MO of figure skating for like 1,000 years.

The International Skating Union has taken the risk out of figure skating and it makes me sick.

Coming to Russia in 2014 - Figure Skating...with bears on the ice shooting harpoon guns. Grrrr.

If Plushenko had made some mistakes, then sure, maybe Lysacek deserves gold.

Quite a few people said Plushenko wasn't technically as solid as Lysacek. Also, don't be so condescending.

But when you compare performances and have an outcome like this, the sport is going backward.

They did compare performances. The people who compared them were judges. The judges declared Lysacek a winner. Of all the controversies in Olympic history, this would rank 800th.

But the judges made a mockery of it by giving Lysacek the gold.

Holy fuck. I could see if Kevin Van Der Perren was awarded gold you'd have something to bitch about. This wasn't a mockery. Lysacek had 1.31 more points. He finished second in the short program (to Plushenko) and finished first in the free skate. You make it sound like Plushenko was doing triple lutzes off his dick while Lysacek came out drunk, tried doing the worm and the macarena and fell on his face seven times.

I don’t want to rain on anybody’s parade because it’s not the skaters’ fault.

The guy who won a gold medal is currently under an umbrella trying to protect himself from the deluge of vitriol you're bringing his way wondering why you're claiming him winning the gold is mockery.

Thanks for admitting it isn't his fault, but that he's an undeserving champions. I'm sure he enjoys that claim.

It’s the system. And the figure skating community wants to control who wins and who loses.

Like every sport I'm sure sponsors and tournament/Olympic/league officials prefer one team over another. Be careful though because you're dancing on the conspiracy line.

And what it does is it makes the component score more valid than the jumps so it can control whatever it wants. And that’s exactly what happened Thursday night at Pacific Coliseum.

You are officially waltzing. I wonder how the Olympic Committee/International Skating Union feels that a former silver medalist is accusing the judges, and Olympics in general, of some widespread accepted cheating system where points are awarded to the competitors they favor.

Man, if this continues to happen Plushenko will never win gold medal. Oh wait.

How can the sport be put back on the right path?

Here we go. This is what we need. Stop the bitching. Start working towards actions the committee needs to implement to change skating for the better. Everyone get out your pans and pens and reading glasses because Elvis Stojko is about to tear down the shitty system in place and provide us with reasonable, rational and necessary changes to resurrect the dead competition. What say you, Elvis?

I have no idea.

Oh. Well, you at least thought about it. Anything you want to say?

I haven’t even thought about it.

Oh. But this is the sport you love and care about. Isn't it up to you, a former champion, to help the sport get back on the right path?

It’s not up to me.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. You're officially part of the problem.

Because people at the ISU obviously seem to know what they’re doing.

Sarcasm. Elvis has just fucked you, Vancouver Olympics.

Well, they think they know what they’re doing.

Ba Zing! Your words burn SO DEEP. Hear that, figure skating judges, ISU and the Olympics? You don't fuck with Elvis Stojko without getting your ass ripped on Yahoo!Sports.

For me, the outcome on Thursday night was disappointing.

That's it? That's how you end? You spit fire and brimstone throughout the entire fucking article and finish with "Thursday night was disappointing?" Jesus Christ on a tricycle with balloons that was a dissatisfying ending.