Colin Cowhard Doesn't Understand Baseball

My days don't have a ton of stress but nothing seems to rile me up more than Colin Cowhard. I think I listen to him for the purpose of getting upset at his blanket statements containing unequivocal imperatives that are sometimes wrong. Very wrong. Horribly and sadly wrong.

I'm showing a tie this morning to this rather tall gentleman and heard Colin say maybe the stupidest things I've ever heard.

Regarding ARod, and again I'm paraphrasing (sorry I need to do a better job of transcribing but my hands were full with gigantor and his tie) he said ARod is succeeding this post season because "he's making it with a hot chick at night".

Colin then goes into his cool nerd voice "but Colin he's widening his stance" which is a shot to nerds like me and then immediately decries this fact. His nerd voice is really so awesome.

So his argument is that since Rodriguez is "making it with Kate Hudson" as compared to "skeletor Tom Pretty lookalike" (a reference to Madonna), he is hitting better this post season.

Um...bullshit.

Let's look at a few post season series:

1997 vs. Baltimore - .313/.313/.563
2000 vs. Chicago - .308/.308/.308
2000 vs. New York - .409/.480/.773
2004 vs. Minnesota - .421/.476/.737

Rodriguez is arguably the best player in baseball. He has had some very good series, along with some shitty series. Colin chalks up his success to banging Kate Hudson and because he's not in a shitty marriage anymore. Wasn't he in that shitty marriage in 1997, 2000 and 2004? And how do you know he wasn't cheating on his wife with Miss Universe during the last four years when his post seasons were not spectacular. But let's look at another group of playoff series:

1996 vs. Atlanta - .250/.400/.250
1998 vs. Texas - .111/.273/.111
1998 vs. Cleveland - .200/.259/.320
2000 vs. Oakland - .211/.318/.211
2001 vs. Seattle - .118/.200/.118
2001 vs. Arizona - .148/.179/.259
2003 vs. Boston - .233/.281/.400
2007 vs. Cleveland - .176/.176/.176

Wanna know what incompetent dick faced baseball player that is? Derek Jeter. Derek mother fucking Jeter. Mr. November. Mr. Intangible. Mr. Clutch. Mr. Baseball. The reason the sun rises in the morning.

Here's a list of famous girls Jeter has nailed throughout his career:

Jessica Biel
Scarlett Johansson
Mariah Carey
Vanessa Minnillo
Gabrielle Union
Jessica Alba

He's currently dating Minka Kelly and has been linked to other girls like Adriana Lima. By Colin's fool proof logic, a man who makes it with a hot chick has more confidence, he wakes up happier, loses weight and exercises because he feels good and his overall way of live improves, thus improving his every day performance.

Given Jeter's bad postseasons in the past, Colin is saying Jessica Alba and Vanessa Minnillo look like Madonna (also, didn't ARod and Madonna date last year when the Yankees didn't even make the post season? Why bring her up in your argument explaining his post season failures?). I doubt Jeter was so disgusted waking up to Scarlett Johansson that he hit .200 against Boston in the 2004 ALCS.

Every baseball player, given enough opportunities, will perform up to his abilities. The first two games of the World Series, ARod was 0-8 with 6 strikeouts. I think he was still "making it" those nights with Kate Hudson. Perhaps Rodriguez had two bad games because, oh I don't know, he's a fucking baseball player and sometimes baseball players go 0-8 and sometimes they go 4-10.

According to Colin, the average person doesn't understand what it's like to wake up to Kate Hudson, or someone of equal attractiveness. I think that's shallow for starters. A lot of people think their wives/husbands are the most attractive people in the world. They are in love with their partners. They wake up every day happy. Maybe physically their partner isn't a clone of Adriana Lima, but there is more than one way to define beauty. Secondly, just because you nail a hot chick doesn't mean success will follow. If that was true, Jeter would hit .400 every baseball postseason series. He has not.

Rodriguez eventually was going to have a great postseason where he strung 2-3 really good series together. He is too good of a baseball player not to. Besides, he has already achieved success in the post season on an individual level, something you and everyone else seems to forget. ARod hitting the ball this post season has nothing to do with Kate Hudson, but hey, why argue with your infinite wisdom void of facts and logical baseball conclusions.